Randumb EdWin and AlMei sht
by Bob's cookie
Summary: Collection of EdWin and AlMei one shots and drabbles and whatever leaks free from my over-active imagination.
1. Introduction to this thing

**Hi! Welcome to Caro's "Randumb EdWin/AlMei sh*t"!** [To meet the K rating mandatory for titles and summaries, I changed the word "shit" into "sh*t". Aren't I clever? (See? I read the rules/guidelines.)]

**A place where you'll find miscellaneous Edward-x-Winry and Alphonse-x-Mei stories and, as the title says, shit.**

**I hope y'all enjoy and get a laugh or two from these.**

**Honestly, I'm NOT a writer. I'm a cartoonist. I'm much much much much better at getting a story acrossed visually than through words; never been good with words.. But because I don't have the time to draw out everything I think of (especially fandom) I decided to start this "Randumb EdWin/AlMei sh*t" collection. So basically, these are ideas and such that I WANT TO draw out, but doubt I'll ever have the time/motivation to...**

**At the beginning of each "chapter" I'll write a note for y'all saying whether the chapter will be a story, drabble, or just headcanon; if there will be an oc, a pairing, if I think it's decent, or crap, or random, or funny, or tragic. Just a little something to let ya know if you want to skip said chapter or not. Some peeple don't like what I write/type when I'm -under the influence- hyper, so I'll let y'all know if I was hyper when I wrote something. Little notes like that.**

**Most will be funny since humor is my thing. And I love happy endings.**

**And I have no updating schedule. ... Sorry. I suck.**

**I love constructive criticism. I also enjoy comparing headcanons.**

**This is EdWin and AlMei oriented, but there may be mentions of LingLan and other canon couples sprinkled in. All the canon couples rock! Woo!**

**These all take place in the manga/Brotherhood universe, unless said otherwise. And I will say otherwise.**

**With all this in mind, begin reading these things and enjoy! ..or don't.**

**If you like this or don't like this, feel free to tell me. If you can be decent in your comment then be as honest as you want. Go ahead and tell me this sucks, just please tell me _why_ this sucks so I can improve my suckiness and hopefully no longer suck in the future. (ie. In the past someone has told me I defiantly should NOT type while I'm hyper - but on the same story - a different person said I was hilarious when typing while hyper. This is why I'll be leaving notes. So if you hate my hyper-typer you can easily avoid. See? The person told me why they thought that particular story-thing sucked, and now they'll never have to suffer my hyper-typer again. I thank them for their honesty.)**

**I know peeple have different tastes and opinions, and because this is a non-sequitur collection, y'all wouldn't know what to expect in each chapter otherwise.**

Minor note: AlMei is my FMA OTP! Yaye!


	2. Name Game

**(headcanon in the form of a fairie-tale)**

Once upon a time...

Edward and Winry had a baby boy. And he was beautifull.

But they did not know what to name him..

Edward really wanted to name him Englebert, but Winry said, "Hell no."

Winry suggested the name Otto. ... "Otto Mel". To which Edward replied, "Fxck no."

Eventually they came to a compromise: they named their baby Meas-Ethan Elric. (But everyone calls him Ethan)

As Ethan grew up, sometimes his mother would refer to him as Englebert or his father would jokingly call him Otto. Then they would proceed to laugh at eachother while glancing in Ethan's general direction as if playing some unknown game. The boy's obvious confusion only made them laugh more.

Ethan slowly grew used to their oddities. When he was younger he would throw tantrums, reminding them; screaming that his name was Ethan, honestly worried they had forgotten. Now, however, he will simply roll his eyes or shake his head, fully convinced his parents are crazy.


	3. hello-phone

**(I'm almost proud of this one! Why can't I write like this more often?)**

Maes-Ethan Elric was a bright kid.

At age four, he could tie his own shoes.

He could read to his little sister. He could read a whole book! ..if Mommy or Daddy helped with the big words...

He could count all the way to one hundred! ..only forgetting maybe just a _few_ numbers...

He could help Mommy fix Daddy's auto-mail! When she asked for a truss head, he knew exactly what she needed! He knew the difference between a hex washer and a slotted hex washer and even a socket cap. He knew the difference between a box wrench, and a monkey wrench, and even pipe wrench pliers; and Mommy's favorite wrench which just so happened to be the standard adjustable wrench. Daddy doesn't like that wrench...

He couldn't understand how to connect auto-mail to a person, but he understood it was connected by the nerves! And nerves are connected to the brain! And that's how it moves just like a real body part! Maybe one day he'll learn how, but for now, Mommy won't let him try it on one of her clients...

He doesn't understand those circles Daddy draws. Or why Daddy can't make them work the way Uncle Al can. If Daddy knows so much about Alchemy, then why can't he do it too?

He understands that everything is made up of smaller things. And everything is a part of one whole. What that 'whole' thing is, he doesn't know, but he knows everything has its own part in it. Every living thing is a part of that flow, and death is a part of that flow, and you have to accept it. He understand that everything will die, but he doesn't understand why everything _has_ to. Daddy doesn't like talking about death. But Daddy made it very clear that you should accept your place and never try to bring back someone who has died. And he doesn't understand why Daddy would even say that. He doesn't understand how you could even _try_ to bring back someone who has died. A person isn't a thing you can try to fix when it's completely broken. And you can't make a whole person out of auto-mail. Just their legs and parts like that...

He understands that when you want something, you have to give something back. Daddy says it's Equiverant Exchange. And it's the law. But sometimes he doesn't understand it. Mommy and Daddy give him and Sister so much, all the time, and they don't give Mommy and Daddy much in return. It doesn't seem equiverant at all! And once he heard Daddy talking to Uncle Al about "taking ten and giving eleven" and that's not equiverant either! Equiverant means 'the same', right? But ten isn't the same as eleven..

Daddy's always breaking this law. Everyone is. So why does Daddy believe in it so much if it doesn't make sense? Do peeple get in trouble when they break this law?

Maybe he'll understand that too when he's older. But for right now, Ethan is trying to figure out something else...

His uncle.

Alphonse Elric;

_The Soulmetal Alchemist_ - what Daddy calls him sometimes. Daddy thinks it's funny to call him that, but Ethan doesn't know why.

_The younger brother of the Fullmetal Alchemist_ - what peeple called Daddy when he could use Alchemy.

_Little Brother_ - something only Daddy calls him and not often. Especially because it makes Ethan giggle ever since he found out Uncle Al was Daddy's _younger_ brother. Ethan always thought Uncle Al was older because he was taller than Daddy.

_Amestrian basitter in Xing_ - Xing is a big country far away where Uncle Al lives, but he visits sometimes and brings back neat things for Ethan and little Sister. Ethan doesn't know what a 'basitter' is, but it sounds important.

_Bean Prince_ - another silly thing Daddy likes to call him. Uncle Al isn't really a prince, but Aunt Mei is a princess. And Aunt Mei isn't really Ethan's aunt, but Mommy says she will be so Ethan can call her 'Aunt' if he wants to. But if Aunt Mei is really a princess, Ethan can't understand why Uncle Al won't become King when they get married like in all the story books little Sister likes to hear.. Or maybe he could become a knight! For some reason, it was so easy for Ethan to picture Uncle Al as a knight in shining armor.

So what couldn't Ethan understand about his uncle?

Uncle Al was praised as a great alchemist and alkahestrist-whatever _that_ was.. Everyone considered him a genius, some considered him even smarter that Daddy -which Ethan knew wasn't possible- but Uncle Al's gotta be real smart if peeple think that, right? Daddy even says Uncle Al is real smart! Daddy likes to boast 'cause he's proud of his little brother!

So if Uncle Al was as smart as everyone says... how was it possible that he didn't know how to use a hello-phone?

* * *

Edward, Winry, and Alphonse were sat at the table drinking coffee. Well, Winry and Alphonse were drinking coffee. Edward was drinking sugar with maybe a spoon's worth of coffee.

It was a relatively normal evening. Little Sara was asleep in the room. Alphonse was leaving for Xing in the morning so Ethan was allowed to stay up late to spend a few extra hours with his uncle. The boy was sat at the table drinking his own pretend cup of coffee. Winry wouldn't allow him to ingest a cup of sugar like his daddy, so instead the kid had to settle for juice.

The adults were talking about past incidents and other things that Ethan had no knowledge of or interest in. He was starting to get sleepy but wouldn't admit it. But that fact that he was sitting quietly for so long gave him away. Winry was just about to tell him to go brush his teeth when the phone rang. So she got up to answer it. She put the receiver to her ear. Being late and not expecting any calls, she assumed it must have been a customer in need of repair, so when she spoke into the transmitter she said "Elric residence and Rockbell Auto-mail." ******

Edward snorted, prepared to call her a gear head once she hangs up.

"Oh, I'm sorry, what?" Winry said into the phone. She looked as though she couldn't hear or possibly couldn't understand the person on the other end. After a moment her face lit up in comprehension. "Oh yes! Yes, he's here." she looked over to Alphonse. "One moment." she set the receiver down and motioned for Alphonse. "It's for you." She went back in her seat as Alphonse got up.

"Gear head." Edward said to his wife as soon as she sat down. She rolls her eyes. Then Edward pretends to hold a phone and in a girly voice mimics, "Elric residence and Rockbell Auto-mail!" She shoves him playfully in the arm. He continues, "It's late and I have guests but I'll drop everything to fix your auto-mail for you. That's just how obsessed I am with my work!"

"Shut up. I'm not obsessed."

He ignores. "I love auto-mail so much, I'm cheating on my husband with his prosthetic leg!"

She pushed him again. "Shut up!" her voiced was raised but it was laced with laughter. And he started to laugh, too. He finally pushed her back so she got up and went over to his seat, and they engaged in a light-hearted shoving competition. Until Ed got the upper hand and locked his wife in under his arm. After she gave up he pulled her onto his lap and gave her a tight hug; a sign of his victory.

"Who was that?" he finally asked.

Limp in Edward's lap, Winry answers "I don't know.. Some Xingese official, I guess."

That's when he realized Alphonse was speaking to the caller in Xingese. Edward sat still a moment just listening to sound of his little brother's voice. Then Winry went to stand up but he pulled her back and held her firmly in his arms.

"Ed, let me go. I have to-nn. Have to put.. Ethan. To bed.." she said while struggling to pull free. But now that Edward was much bigger than her, she had no hope of over powering him. Without the aid of her wrench, that is..

Soon they started another mild argument and were gently pushing eachother again; just playing around in the seat. But Ethan wasn't paying them any attention. Normally he'd be thankfull for his dad distracting his mom from trying to put him to bed. But no. His attention was held by his uncle who was talking into the phone... but those weren't words coming out of his mouth. Or at least, not any words the boy has ever heard of before.

This was the first time he had ever seen his uncle use the telephone. It also happened to be the first time he had ever heard a foreign language, so he didn't know what to think. Here was his uncle, a highly respected man of what many considered genius level of intelligence, making the strangest sounds he had ever heard in his short life. And he was making these sounds into the telephone. His uncle appeared to be having a serious conversation, but who or what could he possibly be talking to?

It kind of reminded him of his bebe sister who was just learning how to talk; she would make funny noises with her mouth. But his uncle knew how to talk, so.. why wasn't he?

Ethan had a toy telephone he liked to play with. Sometimes when he would try to play telephone with his sister; she would talk gibberish to him, and he would answer back with some made-up words of his own. He began to wonder if his Uncle Alphonse was playing the same game with the person on the other line. Maybe it was because he was an adult, but Ethan thought his uncle's noises were twice as funny as his little sister's.

Edward and Winry continued their game of shoving and teasing eachother. Alphonse continued his phone conversation. Ethan continued, with his sleepy eyes, studying his uncle. Trying to solve this mystery. 'Is he playin' the hello-phone game?' 'Is he really talkin' to someone?' 'Is he _pertending_ to talk to someone?'

_Did he not know it was a _real_ hello-phone? Or that, on a real hello-phone you could talk to _real_ peeple?_

Finally he had to ask.

"Dad?" he tried. But his parents couldn't hear him over their own game. His dad was now sitting on top of his mom who was trying ever so hard to push the man off of her. She probably could have accomplished the task if she wasn't trying so hard not to laugh. So Ethan tried again, louder. "_Dad!_"

"Huh?" Edward looked up from Winry who was trying to slip free from under him. Edward grabbed and held onto the sides of his chair to narrow her escape route. "What is it?" he asked, still struggling to hold Winry in place.

With both curiosity and concern evident in his voice, "Why does Uncle Al talk funny on the hello-phone?"

Edward burst into laughter at his son's question. Winry seizes the opportunity to escape. She pushed him off of her and on to the floor with a loud thud and even louder guffaws. Alphonse takes a second from his phone conversation to assess the sudden noise. With the sight of his brother laughing his ass off on the floor, he rolls his eyes then escapes back into the telephone.

Winry stands up, ignoring her husband, she walks passed him and over to her son. "Come on, Ethan. Let's brush your teeth."

"But _Mom._." he anxiously grips the table edge.

She takes note of his disposition. "What's wrong?" Ethan doesn't say anything, just sends an odd glance in Alphonse's direction. She giggles, remembering his previous question. She opens her mouth to answer said question, but Edward jumps in and beats her to it.

"What? We never told you your uncle was an alien?"

Ok. So he didn't actually _answer_ the question.. but he sure had a fun time trying to convince his son that his Uncle Alphonse didn't actually live in Xing, but was from a whole nother planet. "He's been stranded here for the past ten years and has been trying to call home to hitch a ride on his friend's magical flying machine."

Alphonse missed the false story of his past. But after Edward was finished telling it, Winry took Ethan to the bathroom to help him brush his teeth. Then she tucked him in bed and explained to him that his daddy was an idiot and his uncle wasn't really an alien. She explained to him how peeple in Xing use different words than the peeple in Amestris. "It's called language. And Uncle Al has to know both languages to communicate with everyone he meets when he travels back and forth."

Ethan didn't believe his dad's story about his uncle being an alien, but he did think it was an interesting story. He fell asleep imagining his uncle in a flying machine on its way to another planet. And making a mental note to ask his dad to tell him more of the story tomarrow night.

With Ethan asleep and Alphonse still chatting with the Xingese caller, Winry checked on little Sara still asleep in her crib before returning to the kitchen and began clearing away the table and putting their half empty cups in the sink. Edward was sat at the table, bored with no one to tease or lie to. So he made a fuss about Winry putting his cup in the sink when he wasn't done using it yet; just to ease his boredom.

He and Winry sent retorts back and forth untill Alphonse finally hung up the phone. "Ok." He said with a sigh of relief, thankfull the conversation was finally over. He noticed Ethan was no longer present. Still curious about what his brother's laughter on the floor was about, he asked "What did I miss?"

The end.

**** old candlestick phones have a receiver (the ear phone) and transmitter (the mouth piece) ((I imagine they still have a candlestick telephone.)) **

**and in case it ain't obvious...**

***equiverant = equivalent**

***hello-phone = telephone**

***a basitter = ambassador (I read somewhere something about Alphonse becoming the Amestrian ambassador for Xing and I really like that idea. So I rolled with it, yo.)**

**Oh, and I named their nameless kids Maes-Ethan and Sara. **

* * *

**And now...**

**a hello-phone extra!**

Edward and Alphonse were doing whatever it is that awesome, alchemy dorky brothers do. Winry was trying to put bebe Sara to sleep so she sent the awesome, alchemy dorky brothers off to check on little Ethan who had been playing alone in his room for a while.

Ed opens the door to Ethan's room to reveal a messy area. On the floor in the middle of said messy room was the little boy in question playing on a toy telephone. The boy looks up innocently, hoping his dad won't tell him to clean up. His dad doesn't. Instead, he grins cheekily as he enters the room, completely ignoring its horrendous state. "What'cha doin'?" he asks.

"Play pretend on the hello-phone." Ethan answers as he holds the toy phone up. "I'm bein' Mom." Ethan's smile turns to false rage as he yells into his toy. "What? You broked you autamell you dummy head! You wan' me fix it? You wanna you godda pay DUBBLE!"

Ed widens his grin. "You sound just like her."

Ethan holds the toy phone out to his dad. "Now you be Uncle Al."

Ed accepts the toy and sits cross-legged beside him. "Ok, I'll be Uncle Al." He brings the fake phone up to his ear. "Chinga chinga chong chong choo choo train."

Ethan erupts into a fit of giggles. Al glares at his brother, but his blushing makes him look less menacing than he'd have hoped.

Ed smiles innocently to Al. "What? That's doesn't mean 'I get hot for bean girls and alkahestry'?" Now clearly embarrassed, Al's blush deepens and he buries his face in his hand.

Ethan recovers from laughing enough to ask, "What's a bean girl?"

Still grinning at Al, Ed ignores the child's question. "That's right, Alphonse." he says with an evil gleam in his eye. "I can speak Xingese, too." Al doesn't take his face from his hand and Ed goes back to his horrible Alphonse impersonations. "Ching ching cha cha! I'm a big dork!"

**(Yes you are, Ed. Yes you are.)**


End file.
